The COVID-19 Lockdown/Isolation has been real tough journey!
I decided 100 days into lockdown to release some of my portfolio of poems that I have been writing. Poetry for me has always been a way to vent... Wherever my experiences or putting myself in someone else’s shoes and explaining how they would feel.
Be warned that some content is raw, an eclectic mix of emotions, feelings and experience of what I felt or believe others would have felt during this season.
All originally written by me and copyrighted.
Respect is earned...
And the truth will set you free.
You will never reach your destination...
If you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks at you.
The Journey of Life
In my weakness you make me strong.
A scar simply means that...
You were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.
To start I will say that this is not a usual project for me, I guess allowing people to know you intimately legitimately ultimately will leave you feeling vulnerable... yes it's uncomfortable but I have been lead down this path and I'm never the one to do things by half, it's all or nothing so here's me strutting all my stuff, until the pages decide enough is enough and I go back to my code, that lovely closed road, taking time out to fade into the shadows, safely knowing that what I have allowed to have been released into the atmosphere will flow allowing those reading to unequivocally know that they are unique but also just like some other brother or sister living and breathing in another part of this world. I have at this time decided to yell from this unlocked jail, to be heard by all in my small way, hey I guess today the formula has allowed me to have my say. Well in my heart I sincerely pray tomorrow would be yours, so that you can take me just as I have on a tour of your mind, boldly crossing that fine line that you define... becoming that objective for all to see...
... so I begin as I will end... with me, 'B' and as you read, just remember, "yeah I'm still a Christian"
What is that anyway? It's like when you label me a Christian, you label me as dull, boring and lame.. it's a real shame that you don't get past that and explore who I became, I shall explain, I have a name, a brain, I'm a trophy to be claimed, so it's your choice whether to retain what I have to tell you or remain the same, not acknowledging my debut, my pursuit, I live no longer a mute but a pied piper blowing his flute.
Yeah I'm still a Christian and that's a fact, you won't hear me now talking all that smack, getting stoned, recklessly drunk fighting, this and that, but that doesn't mean I'm totally flat, I'm more than that, fact! I'm not just a stat, need you to do the math!
See just as you, I enjoy living, main difference from many others is I know who I'm living for, and who wrote my life score, who opens up every door, who can stop the war inside, who has all my needs supplied and it's a person not a thing, He is the risen King, He loves me and lives within. Earth the prelim for eternity living with Him, with that I will begin.
You see life before I had no focus, just living day to day, to be honest until I met the Lord I thought I was going the right way, but reality was that I was living in the grey, yeah I would sit and pray, everyday, to the Lord to protect me on my way, but really I walked my path alone as I didn't want him to stay, I wanted to mess around and play, much to His dismay. He would say, come to me and change your ways, as don't you realise that you have gone astray? Didn't realise not listening to this still voice, the price I would have to pay.
I reiterate when I said "The Grey" for me it was believing in God but not actually following His ways, living a life like that would have been hell for the rest of my days. Although was taught from the start that things are black and white, no need to fight, just do what is right, despite what you are going through or who you talking to. Respect and be respected, present yourself always to be inspected, ready for the unexpected, but as a child it was real easy to follow the pace, growing older seeing the world as a race for myself it went from a walk in the park to a steeple chase.
I was being swallowed up, I needed my own space, the move happened when I got my own place. However slowly found it hard to seek His face, God regrettably began to be replaced. Christianity became a Sunday thing where I would be happy to praise and sing a hymn, but would be tired as I just spent the whole night raving, waving my hand in the air to a different god, giving certain people the nod, it weren't odd that I would spend a big wad of change, the exchange for large amounts of alcohol to try and fill that hole, I was feeling in my soul.
See a downhill spiral of pleasing the opposite sex, unprotected flex and gambling, during the week all I would be doing is making myself ill and sinning, see without Him, I was hurting, but I was working to fund this abuse, another excuse to go out party and smoke weed, really, barely getting through no focus dropping out, worrying about everything my mind full of doubt, how long, how long could I keep this going, surely I wasn't growing, my life surely now wasn't glowing? Dwelling in a haze, mis-opportunities left me in maze, to recover I would roll it all up and blaze, surely it was just a phase?
No the decline was real, after a hospital visit where I thought I would die I began to understand the deal, I was calling for Jesus to take the wheel, recognising how numb I had begun to feel. Struggling to eat a full meal, wanting God to heal, trying to wake up from the dream but knowing it's all been real.
Now I'm laying there, paralysed by fear and then I hear the still voice again in my ear. God was saying come back to me my child, come back from the wild. I called out to Him how can I in this way and that's when he showed me my life like on replay, it was then I said hey, I'm dedicating my life back to you Lord and in Your will I will stay.
From then it was another new start, but this time I was going to be smart. Going back through my life and seeing how things begun, the things I did right and things I did wrong, it wasn't hard to see the path I had set myself on, and how I had allowed the enemy to take his place and that sin had won. Even then from God I was never to far gone, it was just acknowledgement that I was doing things wrong.
This is a brief testimony, it's hard to put a whole life time into simple poetry. I thought I'd still spend a little time to write how we can go down a road knowingly, not right, having a dysfunctional view that we can do it our way and it's fun, not realising it's a web made of confusion, an illusion and the conclusion is persistent persecution prosecution prostitution with no real contribution to society, no sobriety, no real purpose or prioritises, no authority just conformity to standards that are valueless, useless, fruitless totally rootless. Thus we must hold on and to God put our trust.
I will add and please don't get mad, as I tested it out, so when I have the opportunity to scream and shout it I have to, and it's not anything new but knowing who God is and deciding to be lukewarm, is what I call a perfect storm. A death sentence, it was truly the essence of not knowing repentance, you will not be a genuine article, like I wasn't me, I wasn't at all free. I will end by saying some days are good some days are bad, I still fall flat on my face and make mistakes, but I choose not to stand in front the world and be fake. I'm glad that I know the Lord as without him this life would be meaningless, with Him there's richness, so I will be that witness and let the world know God is real, He's just waiting to reveal to those who don't know Him that there is a reason for existence, becoming a friend of God is the best thing you could ever do if your willing to go the full distance!